Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Life is a journey.

Over 20 rejection letters from the Court for my applications to be an associate, the lower court has not started interviewing (or so I hear) but I have made peace with the fact I am unlikely to hear anything. The last few weeks have been a real journey of personal development in a number of ways.

I was diagnosed by two different psychiatrists with a personality trait that flys very, very closely to autism in my teens. I obsess and until my early 20's was socially inept. I obsess, and I absorb lots of information about a topic. It feels not like a want to know but a need. I guess the best example is when I was I child being told I can't have any water (we would be out and about) I may not have been thirsty but I the needed water, it became an all consuming desire, all my head space became fixated on it and I would not give up until I had water. Now this alone just sounds like a spoilt child, I get that but it would extend to various things, odd things, the need to know everything about praying mantises, every line to Aladdin, the Lion King, a weird ass peg doll and imaginary friend when I was 13, getting in to law school, the list goes on. Unfortunately no subject at uni has sparked this fanatical desire to know everything about a topic, that's cool. Whatever...

Getting a job as an associate did. For the first time what I want was totally outside of my control, there was nothing more I could do then submit my applications, I could not follow up and persuade them as I would after a poor sales presentation, I could not make them call me for an interview. My hands are totally tied, this is the first situation where I can not influence the result. It fucking sucks, I spent weeks looking at my phone like it was a traitor for not ringing. I have gone to depths of sadness over it that I have never been before. I know, deep down that my future plans are not compromised over this. However my focus has again shifted to an idea for a business, I need to talk to someone in the law society about how I can make it work and what needs to be put in place, if anything. While this may be a total waste of time it serves as a diversion from the associate issue. I need to feel in control again.

It was not until I read 'how to win friends and influence people' that I had a skill set to draw upon. Sounds sad but then I became obsessed with sales and people skills became second nature. After a very short time I became very, very good at sales and I loved it. I have jumped out of a plane and closing a million dollar mortgage refinance over a number of properties was the same rush. So too is mooting and doing court work.

The Vis moot has thrown so many issues about team work and interpersonal relationships. I remember a saying from sales years ago that is relevant 'don't wrestle with pigs, all you get is dirty and they love it', but with this person I want a fight, I will not subjugate my desires for theirs. Not this time, not when I am taking out a personal loan to compete, not when their wants also deprive others beside me from an experience. I need this whole thing to be over and be able to move on.

So begins my last year of law school, then the deafening silence from firms about employing me. I am resilient. I am not wired to be happy working for someone else anyway.

- and time marches forward - Obiter


  1. Hmm, I'm similar. Get obsessions into completely random topics, study it full-on for a month or two, then burn out and move on. Didn't think it had any link to autism, though....

    Sucks about your rejections. I do hope your employment or entrepreneurial aspirations eventually bear fruit, you certainly have a persistence to succeed that I envy.

  2. Hi there, may I guess that the psychologists diagnosed you with Asperger's Syndrome? Anyway, I wish you all the best with your application. It is nice reading your blog posts.